Having a baby is in no way a small decision. It is a life-altering monumental one, whether you choose to become a mother with or without a partner. If you plan to go it alone ladies, take heed from a woman who has done just that-with five children.I became a single mother by circumstance, not by choice. I was married for over twelve years to the same man and was blessed with five amazing, beautiful, sons. My last two, (identical twin boys), are now eight. My oldest son is 14. There are two more in-between, and all-in-all I’d say I’ve managed pretty well thus far, (only by the grace of God), but I have definitely floated far, far away from the shores of sanity in the process.
I saw signs early-on that my marriage was headed for doom. After doing all I could to salvage any shred of matrimonial harmony that might have endured- (to no avail), I dove headfirst into motherhood and haven’t come up for air yet. I tried with every breath of my being to be the best mother I could be because of all the excess love in my heart.
In retrospect, and with great truthfulness, I admit I was hiding behind the façade of motherhood-which might, in theory, explain why I was blessed with so many children and why I persevered at being a devoted mom. If I were good at motherhood, then I wasn’t a failure- even if my marriage was. Still, I did not give birth to my kids to fill a “void.” I did not use my children to make amends for a marriage gone awry. I loved them obsessively from the moment I laid eyes on each of them and wanted to give them all the extra love I had but couldn’t express anywhere else. If anything, I wanted to fill their voids, and as the years passed, it seemed I did a lot of overcompensating for hurts dealt to them by others, and I quickly became quite adept at filling almost all of their voids. But there were always one or two trenches I could never fill for them, no matter how much love I shoveled in.
At first, single motherhood took some getting used to. As freeing as it were to be away from an emotionally and financially unhealthy situation, it was equally overwhelming to have five mouths to feed on my own while juggling freelance work, a move into a new home, (which was very tiny) in a new neighborhood, registering at new schools for the kids, (three to be exact) and making new friends for both my kids and myself. It was also an exhausting, and seemingly unfeasible role I had to fulfill-given the fact that I still had two in diapers two graduating from pull-ups, and one child somewhat independent in that area. I honestly felt I had no room for failure when it came to mothering. I realize now, that was unrealistic.
I have learned that there are inescapable truths to single motherhood. You will unquestionably lose yourself for long periods of time- sometimes years-forgetting things such as the type of music you enjoy, what foods you like to eat or what movies you used to enjoy. Some days you will have difficulty getting out of bed in the morning because your mind is kaput and you just don’t see how you’ll get through another day of complete chaos and care giving. You’ll have trouble choosing an outfit to wear because it will all seem so trite by comparison to the massive responsibility bestowed upon you-whether by circumstance or by choice.
You will lose friends, and in losing those so-called “friends”, you will learn without a doubt who your true friends really are. And that will be one of the most reassuring and enlightening moments of your entire life as a single mother.
Some people won’t be able to hack the fact that your life is a mess at best, which will undoubtedly hurt, but you will continue with sheer determination to exist within your strange new life because now, you exist for a far superior purpose- your children.
In my experience, what you really have to be concerned about above all when raising kids as a single mom (particularly with boys as they get older), is society’s influence over your kids. The damaging jabs society will deliver to your kids- in an unintentional attempt to destroy all your hard work- can be a real blow to your psyche not to mention your child’s.
Let’s face it single moms, society can be harsh and unkind- particularly when there is no male role model to slam on the brakes. Many kids will be mean and insensitive, and some-physically aggressive. That is a fact of life. Just look at the bullying statistics-(there are countless websites and organizations dedicated to helping victims of bullying).
According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, 1 out of every 4 kids is a victim of bullying. And get this, (for those moms who think their little Johnny never does anything wrong) - every 7 minutes a child is bullied on the playground.
Millions of today’s kids are being raised by the school systems, day care centers, and facilities catering to single working moms. This isn’t helping the bullying epidemic. The school staff, etc. are the surrogate parents of modern-day kids and are not trained in anti-bullying tactics.. Many of these so called “child-care” centers have little vested interest in the kids- namely teens, they are paid to watch, (except the interest to avoid liability suits). Some staff members have never had kids of their own. How on earth could a woman without kids ever remotely understand the plight of single moms or any mom for that matter?
My advice to women considering motherhood without a partner is this- before you plan to have that baby, make sure you are not masterminding your escape back to the office while simultaneously peeing on your home pregnancy test stick.
Why become a single mother at all if you are already yearning for the day when you slip into those business suits and race to your office cubicle-minutes before you’ve farmed your kid out to the day care center. (Whether that day care center is top-notch, convenient, cozy, or Ivy League equivalent is not the point- your child is away from you 8—10 hours each day).
Day care workers may love your child, but not the way you would. And any kid may turn out to be a statistic- the kind society turns out on a routine basis. Morals and values and love are the ultimate keys to a good foundation when raising decent, confident, happy children. If you must work, as most single mothers do, be creative and find a way to be with your child for more than two hours in the evening- or better yet don’t have a child at all until you have figured out what will be best for the child you plan to have.
Having a baby might make you feel complete, but that shouldn't be your basis for having one. True, there is that proverbial biological clock. But if you use that as an reason to join the ranks of the ten million single moms struggling in America today, you’re in for a rude awakening.Wake up ladies-it’s not about you. It’s not about fitting in or needing to feel like a woman, or having a “trophy” baby and a Prada diaper bag to show off to the hip moms at “Mommy & Me.” If that’s what you’re aiming for, you’re barking up the wrong family tree.
Thankfully, most single moms by choice know that you must sacrifice, make life altering changes, hand wash 15 blouses each week that are splattered with projectile vomit, (look it up neophytes). You must know what a DPT shot is. You must be prepared for anything and everything. You must be proficient in multi-tasking or you are dead in the water.
If you’ve reached that point where you’ve arrived at a formal affair dressed to the nines, with baby in tow, and suddenly realize you’re wearing your bra on the outside of your evening gown- and then realize-you don’t care one iota, Congratulations. You have graduated to motherhood and can handle anything with grace and indifference.
A baby is not meant to fill your voids. A baby will let you know, without fail, that without you in his life, his life would be one great big void. So ditch the idea that your baby will compensate for feelings of emptiness in your own life-it will never happen. A baby is good company, (when he isn’t screaming non-stop), and naturally you’ll form a special bond, but you can never rely on that baby or child to complete you. It’s all about sacrifices, love, and making absolute certain you do all you can to fill your child with all the love his heart can hold.
Nothing should take precedence over your child. Nothing.
I saw signs early-on that my marriage was headed for doom. After doing all I could to salvage any shred of matrimonial harmony that might have endured- (to no avail), I dove headfirst into motherhood and haven’t come up for air yet. I tried with every breath of my being to be the best mother I could be because of all the excess love in my heart.
In retrospect, and with great truthfulness, I admit I was hiding behind the façade of motherhood-which might, in theory, explain why I was blessed with so many children and why I persevered at being a devoted mom. If I were good at motherhood, then I wasn’t a failure- even if my marriage was. Still, I did not give birth to my kids to fill a “void.” I did not use my children to make amends for a marriage gone awry. I loved them obsessively from the moment I laid eyes on each of them and wanted to give them all the extra love I had but couldn’t express anywhere else. If anything, I wanted to fill their voids, and as the years passed, it seemed I did a lot of overcompensating for hurts dealt to them by others, and I quickly became quite adept at filling almost all of their voids. But there were always one or two trenches I could never fill for them, no matter how much love I shoveled in.
At first, single motherhood took some getting used to. As freeing as it were to be away from an emotionally and financially unhealthy situation, it was equally overwhelming to have five mouths to feed on my own while juggling freelance work, a move into a new home, (which was very tiny) in a new neighborhood, registering at new schools for the kids, (three to be exact) and making new friends for both my kids and myself. It was also an exhausting, and seemingly unfeasible role I had to fulfill-given the fact that I still had two in diapers two graduating from pull-ups, and one child somewhat independent in that area. I honestly felt I had no room for failure when it came to mothering. I realize now, that was unrealistic.
I have learned that there are inescapable truths to single motherhood. You will unquestionably lose yourself for long periods of time- sometimes years-forgetting things such as the type of music you enjoy, what foods you like to eat or what movies you used to enjoy. Some days you will have difficulty getting out of bed in the morning because your mind is kaput and you just don’t see how you’ll get through another day of complete chaos and care giving. You’ll have trouble choosing an outfit to wear because it will all seem so trite by comparison to the massive responsibility bestowed upon you-whether by circumstance or by choice.
You will lose friends, and in losing those so-called “friends”, you will learn without a doubt who your true friends really are. And that will be one of the most reassuring and enlightening moments of your entire life as a single mother.
Some people won’t be able to hack the fact that your life is a mess at best, which will undoubtedly hurt, but you will continue with sheer determination to exist within your strange new life because now, you exist for a far superior purpose- your children.
In my experience, what you really have to be concerned about above all when raising kids as a single mom (particularly with boys as they get older), is society’s influence over your kids. The damaging jabs society will deliver to your kids- in an unintentional attempt to destroy all your hard work- can be a real blow to your psyche not to mention your child’s.
Let’s face it single moms, society can be harsh and unkind- particularly when there is no male role model to slam on the brakes. Many kids will be mean and insensitive, and some-physically aggressive. That is a fact of life. Just look at the bullying statistics-(there are countless websites and organizations dedicated to helping victims of bullying).
According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, 1 out of every 4 kids is a victim of bullying. And get this, (for those moms who think their little Johnny never does anything wrong) - every 7 minutes a child is bullied on the playground.
Millions of today’s kids are being raised by the school systems, day care centers, and facilities catering to single working moms. This isn’t helping the bullying epidemic. The school staff, etc. are the surrogate parents of modern-day kids and are not trained in anti-bullying tactics.. Many of these so called “child-care” centers have little vested interest in the kids- namely teens, they are paid to watch, (except the interest to avoid liability suits). Some staff members have never had kids of their own. How on earth could a woman without kids ever remotely understand the plight of single moms or any mom for that matter?
My advice to women considering motherhood without a partner is this- before you plan to have that baby, make sure you are not masterminding your escape back to the office while simultaneously peeing on your home pregnancy test stick.
Why become a single mother at all if you are already yearning for the day when you slip into those business suits and race to your office cubicle-minutes before you’ve farmed your kid out to the day care center. (Whether that day care center is top-notch, convenient, cozy, or Ivy League equivalent is not the point- your child is away from you 8—10 hours each day).
Day care workers may love your child, but not the way you would. And any kid may turn out to be a statistic- the kind society turns out on a routine basis. Morals and values and love are the ultimate keys to a good foundation when raising decent, confident, happy children. If you must work, as most single mothers do, be creative and find a way to be with your child for more than two hours in the evening- or better yet don’t have a child at all until you have figured out what will be best for the child you plan to have.
Having a baby might make you feel complete, but that shouldn't be your basis for having one. True, there is that proverbial biological clock. But if you use that as an reason to join the ranks of the ten million single moms struggling in America today, you’re in for a rude awakening.Wake up ladies-it’s not about you. It’s not about fitting in or needing to feel like a woman, or having a “trophy” baby and a Prada diaper bag to show off to the hip moms at “Mommy & Me.” If that’s what you’re aiming for, you’re barking up the wrong family tree.
Thankfully, most single moms by choice know that you must sacrifice, make life altering changes, hand wash 15 blouses each week that are splattered with projectile vomit, (look it up neophytes). You must know what a DPT shot is. You must be prepared for anything and everything. You must be proficient in multi-tasking or you are dead in the water.
If you’ve reached that point where you’ve arrived at a formal affair dressed to the nines, with baby in tow, and suddenly realize you’re wearing your bra on the outside of your evening gown- and then realize-you don’t care one iota, Congratulations. You have graduated to motherhood and can handle anything with grace and indifference.
A baby is not meant to fill your voids. A baby will let you know, without fail, that without you in his life, his life would be one great big void. So ditch the idea that your baby will compensate for feelings of emptiness in your own life-it will never happen. A baby is good company, (when he isn’t screaming non-stop), and naturally you’ll form a special bond, but you can never rely on that baby or child to complete you. It’s all about sacrifices, love, and making absolute certain you do all you can to fill your child with all the love his heart can hold.
Nothing should take precedence over your child. Nothing.
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